These Words
by kagschannold
Summary: Cloud is writing a letter to Zack in English class.


Cloud Strife sat in his english class...

In front of him was a blank sheet of lined paper. paper from which he was supposed to be writing a letter.

a letter to Zack.

the teacher was encouraging good letter writing skills and the only part of the lecture he had hear was something along the lines of 'writing a letter to someone you'd lost in your past'.

easy. cloud could do that.

and of all people (like stated above), cloud chose zack.

more than anything, zack's untimely death affected cloud the most. it was the most influential part of his adoloscent memory... one of which even affected cloud's mother- despite her not even having direct contact with zack at all.

seeing her son act so lifelessly to a death scared her.

but her aimless attempts at putting cloud through painstaking therapy sessions that were, at the lowest cost possible (being 150$ an hr) didnt exactly work out. it led cloud to almost resent his vibrant mother... and that wasnt about to happen. not if she had anything to do with it.

no. mrs. strife would just let her son cope the only way he knew how- which cloud want even remotely sure how that would be more help than therapy...

'maybe lead me to pure insanity... why not just risk my resentment instead?'

cloud sat in his desk contemplating.

just what could he say to his... dead best friend who had not even been gone for half a year yet? the wounds cloud suffered from losing him were nowhere near healing, and re-opening them... well that was just plain-

what was the word?

oh... right. cloud didnt know that either.

there was only twenty-six minuted and fifty-five seconds left of class...

fifty-four.

fifty-three.

fifty- "dammit."

he drummed th eraser side of his chewed up no.1 yellow american pencil upon the desk... and then glanced one last time at the clock.

'if i dont write this letter- the chances are this will be a paper that is worth a ridiculous percentage of my grade. i cant afford to flunk another class...'

"here goes..." cloud sighed heavy. jamming the led onto the first line:

_dear Zack,_

_i dont really know why this letter is so substantial to an english grade... or why i have actually decided to go through with it and write a letter to my dead best friend._

_it seems like this is what a crazy person in need of some desperation would do._

_sorry, that made absolutely no sense at all what-so-ever.._

_anyways: i guess i should tell you what ive been meaning to tell your for about six months now. this, honesly, will be the hardest thing ever for me to write down on paper... and the worst part is: you cant hear any of these words that im about to write..._

_i think i have cried every day since the day you died._

_i havent cried so much in my life and i never truly thought i ever would._

_you, for some reason have affected me more than my own mother- bu you promise me you will never let her know i wrote this. zack..._

_if you knew half of wht it felt like to watch you die in my arms... you, yourself would never be the same. those few days in the aftermath almost killed me with you._

_aerith tells me that if i keep my head up, that everything will be okay and that your memory is the one thing i have left to hold onto._

_carrying on your legacy, zack, is not enough to satify me... i need you to be here._

_you shouldnt have died._

_if anything i wish it had been me instead. every night i wish the same thing over and over._

_"if there is a god out ther- please take me and bring him back."_

_i bet those arent exactly the words youd wanna hear, right?_

_i cant help myself... you will never know what you have done to me..._

_what you made me feel like when you were alive. and other than the teacher (whom i beg never shows this to anyone else) no one will know that i love you._

_i loved you ever since i first saw you._

_there was something about the way you introduced yourself. would it be cliche to actually say that "you had me at 'hello'?"?_

_im sure youre laughing at me right now._

_you always did know how to crack a joke even at the worst times, didnt you?_

_damn i guess i can tell you thats what i miss the most about you._

_ill never... NEVER stop wanting to take your place. ill never once in the rest of my life be able to keep myself from dreaming of what might have been... of what, most importantly, COULD... no... should have been._

_you will never stop haunting me even if you arent haunting me intentionally..._

_i will never let go of you._

_i will go insane if thats what it takes._

_but i will never forget._

_i wont let myself stop loving you_

cloud set his pencil down and stared at the paper- now full of words he read more than once.

writing that letter, honestyl, made the boy feel a tiny bit better... snd that was more than he'd felt in a while...

reading it one last time before the bell rang made cloud wish even moreso that he had been allowed just au little more time with his best friend before he died... one more day, one more hour, one more minute...

that could be more than he would ever hope for.

and as the students jumped up from their weats, cloud waited until they cleared out and apprached his teacher.

his teachers smile was kind, warm... so much warmth that cloud managed a slight grin and handed him the letter.

an accomplishment.

even so: stillll always wishing for more time.

*****a/n: this was written in the middle of the night while hiding under a very hot blanket just so my cell phone light wouldnt bother my best friend... although im sure the continuous click click clicking could be heard a few feet away over the cieling fan... :/**


End file.
